15 Strategies on How to Introduce Sex Toys in Relationships

One of our followers here at Jaynkay.com asked us some advice on how to broach the topic of sex toys in relationships.  He was interested, or at least curious, but was not sure if he could bring it up with his significant other.  So we decided to take a closer look at this tricky subject.  Many women and men use sex toys and research suggests that those who use them actually report higher levels of sexual satisfaction. And though women are more willing to admit to owning a sex toy, men’s attitudes are rapidly changing towards the positive.   Nearly, 70 percent of men (both straight and gay) admit that they don’t find sex toys intimidating, according to We-vibes.com.

The prospect of introducing sex play in your relationship can be a bit difficult for some people.  But it’s really not that difficult when you get down to it.  The most important thing we want you to remember is that sex toys is not a replacement for your partner but an enhancement to your sex.

Here are 15 strategies Jay and I have put together to help you if you are considering the subject of sex toys in relationships.


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1. Dive in Head First

(We promise that no pun was intended with this heading.)  Have you ever been to a lake or by the ocean and you know the water is cold?  What do most people do?  They delay, delay, delay and come up with all sorts of excuses why they shouldn’t get in the water.  But most people who have actually been to a cold lake will tell you that the best strategy is to just dive in and get over the initial shock.  Well, the same strategy holds true for dealing with the topic of sex toys in a relationship.  Just bring it out and get things started.  You might be pleasantly surprised at how receptive your partner is.  The key is to be open and honest.  Don’t miss out on a great opportunity because you ‘feel’ your partner ‘might’ not like the idea of sex toys.  As the popular sports brand, Nike says, “Just Do It!”

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Yes, all the time
Yes, tried it once
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2. Choose the Right Time

Being brave and diving in head first is one thing, but being daft is quite another.  We are not telling you to bring up the subject of sex toys on your first blind date.  For goodness sake. No!  Find the right time to bring it up.  Maybe you guys have been together for a while and are trying out new things, such as, new positions or different places.  You’re comfortable with the whole topic of sex together so maybe then is the right time to bring up sex toys.

But timing isn’t only about the stage of your relationship and the level of communication and comfortableness you have with each other.  Timing also means ‘in the moment’ timing.  For example, you won’t bring up sex toys on your way home from Church on a Sunday morning.  Nor will you bring it up while having Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws.  Sex play is a subject that should take place just between you and your lover, preferably in the privacy of your home or bedroom.


3. Drop a Hint or Two

If you think going in head first is not the right move for you, then you may want to consider the opposite strategy, which can also work for some people.  Ease the topic of sex toys into a casual conversation when talking about your relationship.  You could start off with something like, “I stumbled on this online article the other day that says that more and more couples are using toys and accessories like handcuffs and couples games in their love making.  What do you think about that?”  Notice what we did there? First of all, blame it on a third party – an article you just happen to ‘stumble upon’.  Secondly, show that everyone is doing it?  Thirdly, use small and simple examples that are not too taboo – handcuffs and games, rather than dildos, butt plugs, vibrators and Fleshlights (i.e. mainstream sex toys).  These can be taboo for many people.  Once the conversation gets going and the ice is broken, you can ease your way towards your intended objective.  If you have a particular toy or accessory in mind, mention it in passing while you’re already on the subject matter.  Just leave it hanging there and see if your partner takes the bait.  Let the conversation flow naturally.  Be easy about it.


4. Start Out Small

Just as in our previous strategy, you don’t want to start off with mainstream products.  In this case, size does matter.  Don’t go for the 15 inch dildo on the first purchase. Try a bullet instead. Maybe introduce a cockring or a blindfold; something small and less intimidating.  Then you can work your way up to bigger and better toys.


5. Whip it Out During Whoopee

Head on over to your favorite online adult store, like Lovehoney or Adult Shopping, and get the toy you’re looking for.  Keep it hidden away and then bring it out just as you’re in the middle of a really steamy session.  But the trick is to make your lover the beneficiary of the sex toy.  Don’t get one for yourself.  Get one for them.  Let your lover see how great it is and let them wonder why you hadn’t bought one for them sooner.  Let your partner be the center of attention.  But do it in the middle of whoopee for optimal results.  No one thinks straight during whoopee.  🙂


6. Give it as a Gift and See What Happens

This was the strategy I used when I introduced sex toys in our relationship.  I was away on a business trip and brought home a ‘did you miss me’ toy for Jay.  I really, didn’t know what to expect.  But was pleasantly surprised that he was open to the idea.  So for Christmas or Valentines or maybe your partner’s birthday or your anniversary get your lover a sex toy as a gift.  I bet you that 9 out of 10, they love it and would love you for getting it for them.  If things don;t go as planned, they’d at the very least be very polite about it and might still try it out for curiosity sake.  So it won’t be a total loss.


Cobra Libre Masturbator

7. Reassurance is Key

When you speak to people who are against sex toys, you realize that deep down they’re not against sex toys but are really intimidated by them.  Some people have the notion that a sex toy is their replacement.  They feel that if they were doing it right, their partner should not want or need a sex toy in the first place.  So they get intimidated and self conscious around the subject of adult toys.  Your job is to reassure your partner.  Focus on the positive aspects of your already fantastic sex life.  Let them know that you absolutely love being with them and that they rock your world. Talk about all the positive aspects of your relationship and love making.  Make them feel on top of the world.  Show them that the sex toy is not a replacement but an enhancement.   Sex toys are just damn fun and you want to have fun with the person you love the most.


8. Get Something You Both Can Use

Love making is a two way street.  When it becomes lop sided, the all the fun and playfulness is taken away.  When two persons come together for this joyous act, it should be beneficial to both partners.  The same goes for sex toys.  For optimal results, both partners should be able to benefit from the toy.  One partner should never be the sole beneficiary.  There are lots of sex toys out their with couples in mind.  Recently we discovered Double Up Dennis, which is a really cool sex toy for gay couples.  And there are hosts of toys for straight couples.  Lovense has some really cool teledildonics that work for both straight and gay couples.  The key is to focus on mutual benefits.


Lovense Teledildonics Masturbator

9. Give Them Control

For some people, the fear of sex toys is based on the fear of losing control of making your partner feel satisfied.  Rather than use the toy on yourself, why not let them use it on you.  Give them control.  Let them dictate how you feel.  There are also remote control toys, where one partner determines how the toy interacts with the other.  This brings an element of control and fun as well.  One such toy is the We-Vibe 4 Plus.  The Lovense teledildonics also give control over to your partner.


10. Let Your Partner Be the Sex Toy

Did you know that there are sex toys that can transform your partner in the bedroom?  The idea is that the toy becomes an extension of your partner.  In this way they don’t feel as if the toy is replacing them but that without them the toy is useless.  Take the Adonis Extension for example.  This toy can be added to your member for a longer and thicker feel for your partner. Both of you will love it and the toy can’t be used for solo play or as a replacement, it must be used on the man’s member.


11. Shop Together for Your Next Toy

Make an event out of buying your next sex toy.  Go out and just pop in your nearest sex shop.  The mystery and adventure will be fun.  But if you’re intimidated by getting caught by your next door neighbor, or worse yet your granny, then shop online.  But do it together.  It might be fun and you get to explore your likes and dislikes and there’s no commitment involved until you actually make a purchase.  Three trusted online sex shops that might interest you are listed below.





12. Get the Facts Straight

Nothing beats hard, cold facts.  Do some research on the subject and share it with your partner.  With concrete data on how sex toys can help your relationship or that more and more people are using sex toys in relationships, you will be able to present your case to your significant other.  Don’t just talk based on hear-say or your gut feeling.  Present a point-by-point case in a very logical manner.  Who could deny the facts, right?


13. Let Them Do It Alone

It might be surprising, but some people are shy with these sort of things.  So the best strategy to overcome shyness is to let then get used to their new toy by themselves.  Let them warm up to the idea of having a toy and to using the toy.  Once they feel more comfortable with the toy, they will be more comfortable giving you a show or letting you play with them.

14. Use Toys that Increase Intimacy

For some, sex toys can be intimidating and even taboo.  But sometimes it boils down to how you sell it.  If you speak of toys to use during sex, your partner might get closed up about the whole thing.  But if you said you discovered some techniques and tools that can help build our intimacy and bring us closer together, then they might get more responsive.  Who doesn’t want to get closer to their partner?  Who doesn’t want to build intimacy in their relationship.  So sell it as an intimacy tool not a sex toy.  Is it cheating or being dishonest?  No, not at all.  But you have to choose your toy wisely.  If intimacy and bonding is what you;re selling then you better deliver on the promise.  What you use could make a difference sex games like thine one, You & Me, might be a good start.  Massagers are also a subtle way to introduce sex toys as intimacy aids.  Take the Bodywand Massager, for example.  This can be used as a sexual stimulator but can also double up as a body massager (as the name suggests).  Add the sleeve and it turns into a male masturbator.  So it’s not so much what you ‘sell’ but how you ‘sell’ it.



15. Don’t Push Too Hard

If you’ve tried a few strategies and none of them seem to work, we recommend that you leave it alone for a while.  Don’t push the subject too much. No one like to be told what to do.  And most of all, no one like to be nagged.  Get the facts, bring up the subject at the right time but don’t press the matter too much, especially if you realize that your partner is not too open about the idea at first.  Give them some time to think it over.  Who knows, they may even bring it up again on their own.  And after all, all is well that ends well.


That’s it folks.  If you have any questions or need further information, leave us a comment below and we’d surely get back to you within 24 hours or sooner.  If you’d like to connect with us anonymously, head on down to our Ask Jay n Kay page and leave us a private message. If you haven’t taken the poll, you can do so above, we like to measure stuff and see who our visitors are.  It’s completely anonymous.

16 Comments to 15 Strategies on How to Introduce Sex Toys in Relationships

  1. Eric Cantu says:

    Wow. I guess if someone used all 15 of these they’d qualify as persistent, lol. My eyes are always opened by the content of your posts. Cool write up.

  2. Shirley says:

    What a great point…I think it all begins with your partner being the sex toy, doesn’t it?

    • Kay says:

      Yes, Shirly. Your partner must be the object and subject of pleasure if you really want to get the most out of the experience. This is my personal experience. I don’t know if it’s a mind thing or what, but the more my partner is excited the more excited I get. I guess the more you give, the more you get.

  3. Shawn says:

    This is a great post. Nice to see people who aren’t afraid to speak facts about a subject that makes many nervous. I’m never afraid to try new things and I’m hoping many people who are afraid get a chance to read this to give them more insight on what can be a very satisfying experience.

    • Kay says:

      Thanks for your comments Shawn. I really appreciate your kind sentiments. I too, hope that more people can regain control of their lives and lead a satisfying sex life free from guilt and negativity. All the best.


  4. Jen says:

    This was such a good read. It is SO true that the topic of sex toys can be very uncomfortable subject for couples. I definitely used the “drop a hint” method.. I recommend it, because it works! You have listed some other very good strategies as well. There are so many good options of toys too out there for people, that’s what I like, you have become quite the expert on them! The implementation of sex toys in any relationship can be very rewarding… and I agree that a lot of people don’t realize that. I very much enjoyed your post, thank you.

    • Kay says:

      Thanks Jen for your really kind comments. WE have come to realize that many people are having mediocre sex lives. Our job here is to be able to empower them, men in particular, to take control of their sex lives. It’s not just for themselves but for their partners too. A lot of women (and guys too) have complained to us that their partner could do much more to make their sex lives more interesting and exciting. Some women even complain that they fake orgasm. That should NEVER be. Women too, need to be more open to new experiences. And yes, the use of sex toys in a relationship can be very rewarding and give back life to your sexual experiences with your partner.

      Thanks again for sharing.

      All the best.


  5. Timotheus says:

    Hi Jay & Kay,

    I am so intrigued by this post. In Asia, while this is not a taboo, we are not quite open about this topic. So the information here is very helpful.

    My partner is much younger than me. While the younger generation are more open about topics like this, my partner comes from quite a conservative background. To be honest, we never really talked about this. Wonder how he will react? I think I’ll try the hint tip you offered here. Maybe when we pass by a sex shop, I’ll just point to it, and see his reaction. What do you think?

    P.S. – I really like the tip – Let your partner be the sex toy. Yes! That’s going to be on my to-try list. hahaha

    • Kay says:

      Hi Tim,

      So glad that you found this post on how to introduce sex toys in your relationship useful. Conservative upbringing is so difficult to “cure”. I come from a very conservative background as well, so becoming open towards sex, so much so that I am writing my own blog on the subject, has been a great victory for me. Jay is not in exactly the same category as me since his upbringing was not as conservative. But he also had to deal with some struggles.

      I think your idea is great. Try it and see how he reacts. You might be surprised. Why not take it a step further. Actually get him to go inside. Be careful, though. You might unleash a monster. LOL

      If you get a chance you could show your partner this post about overcoming sexual shame – https://jaynkay.com/how-to-overcome-sexual-shame#.WKpn7LGZNYg

      All the best.


      • Timotheus says:

        Hi Kay,

        Thank you so much for your kind reply, and advice.

        I wouldn’t have guessed about your conservative background. It is truly wonderful you have found your voice, and even write about this. Definitely a victory!

        Yes, I write this not to diminish Jay’s achievements. I am sure he has his struggles, too. Every one has a back story. I always say.

        Thanks for liking my idea. Ooohh … take a step further and unleash a monster, you say? Well, while he is conservative, he is quite … how do I say this gently? … wild in bed. (hope it is all right to say it here … am I in safe place?) And the idea of him becoming more than that … exciting! Hahaha

        Thanks for the article. I will find an opportunity to share it with him when he is in town.


        • Kay says:

          LOL. Your comment made my morning Tim. And yes, you are in a safe place. I am glad you guys enjoy each other.

          Thanks for the words of confidence. Even though I may appear all tough and outgoing here on my blog. I am still battling my demons. But each day I come away with a victory (and a few battle wounds) but it is victory nonetheless.

          Peace and Love


  6. Courtney says:

    Talking about sex is not easy and talking about sex toys even harder still.your list is very interesting and great info; why not add a sex video or movie, could be stimulating or an ice breaker.I did notice one little error -the instead of then.I am not sure if you meant him or her instead of them,good writing, could have added more images which was understated for the topic. Thanks for sharing. especially for someone who has never introduced the topic with wifey.

    • admin says:

      Hi Courtney,

      Thanks for stopping by and thanks so much for your comment. We will definitely look into adding more images and perhaps even a video. Hopefully, our 15 strategies might give you some ammunition to broach the topic with your wife. She may surprise you. Come back and let us know if you were able to convince her.

      Good luck!

      Jay & Kay

  7. Øssur Eysturoy says:

    Hi Kay!
    What a great, and unusual, post!
    I know this subject can be embarrassing to some couples, and knowing how to adress the issue can be somewhat of a trial.
    I think it’s sad that so many people, are so closed and intimidated in their sexual endeavors.
    I lived in Denmark for ten years, and my wife is Danish, and there they have a totally different, and much more open, attitude towards sex. Using sex toys is quite normal, and we have a collection, in our bedroom tables, hell it’s not even a secret. My wife and her friends speak quite openly about these things. You know this, when you enter the room, and her female friends, look at you and nod and smile. 😀

    I am sure a website like yours can help some couples to a more exciting sex life.
    Keep writing!

    • admin says:

      Thanks Ossur for your comment. We totally agree with you. Sex is still taboo for many people. Fortunately the world is changing. Thanks for sharing your experience in Denmark. We know that Europe and more progressive regions such as Scandinavia have a more open stance towards sex and sexuality. After all, sex is a normal and natural part of life. It is not something to be embarrassed about but something to be embraced. We will definitely keep writing and hopefully we can change minds and create happier relationships out there.

      All the best

      Jay & Kay

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